1. Trying to understand certain people.
"To see things from your point of view but I can't stick my head that far up my a**."
2. A lady always enunciates.
"I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f**king lady."
3. Don't let anyone glide all over you.
"Once you let mother fuckers slide, they start to think they can ice skate."
4. There are many people in desperate need of high-fives.
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."
5. The fear is real.
"I almost gave a f**k, scared the sh*t out of myself."
6. Minions always tell it like it is.
"Dear haters, I couldn't help but notice that 'awesome' ends with 'me' and 'ugly' starts with 'u'."
7. It's safer to stick to old habits.
"I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."
8. It's the best kind of exercise.
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch...I call it lunch."
9. You need time to recharge.
"I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode."
10. I bet guys can't do this!
"I hate men who say girls are "weak" Excuse me, but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die? I don't think so."
11. It sounds perfectly normal to me.
"It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF."
12. Getting laid can begin lives, have you gotten yours today?
"My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what's funny, she said, "everyone here is alive because I got laid."
13. Darn right my kids better than yours.
"Farts are like children, I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours."
14. It helps to plan a few steps ahead.
"Your life can't fall apart if you never had it together."
15. What nagging actually is.
"You call it "nagging" I call it, "Listen to what I f**king said the first time."
16. Inner beauty has never been this easily achievable.
"Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."
17. The throne awaits.
"Yes, I know there is a real special place in Hell for me. It is called a throne."
18. You know what we're talking about.
"The look you give your friend when the teacher says find a partner."
19. The best advice anyone could ever give.
"Always be yourself unless you can be Beyonce then always be Beyonce."
20. I find it funny that this quote says.
"You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying "I just find it funny how" bc there's a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny."
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21. Rules to live by.
"Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he's hot."
22. The best the packages are always expensive.
"I've decided I'm not old. I'm 25 plus shipping and handling."
23. It's a perfect day to get a little crazy.
"It's a beautiful day, I think I'll skip my meds and stir things up a bit."
24. I need 50% off my ice-cream and free chocolate, please.
"They should put prizes in your Tampax box. Your period sucks, but here's a 50% off ice-cream you cranky b*tch."
25. When you finally come to an important realization.
"I thought I was in a bad mood but it's been a few years so I guess this is who I am now."
26. Rule your Queendom with an iron fist.
"What's a queen without her king? well, historically speaking, more powerful."
27. This GPS will have you using a map.
"What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f**king disgrace."
28. Happy Birthday!
"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere."
29. Some people are always shady.
"You smell like hidden motives, get away from me."
30. The lesson of the day is to never be a know it all.
"My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face."
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31. Pay up or shut up.
"Me: I don't wanna go to work. Bills: b*tch better have my money."
32. Many men can't deny.
"Only trust people who like big butts...they cannot lie."
33. You should win an award for the best parent!
"Don't be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed."
34. A lot of people can't pull off this look.
"It's that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I've misplaced my ax."
35. We've all hide what we were really feeling sometimes.
"I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off."
36. I like to do it twelve times to make sure it really sinks in.
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
37. The simple solution to when a door closes.
"When life shuts a door...open it again. It's a door. That's how they work."
38. This would be the best way to stay safe.
"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake."
39. I got my problems and I don't need yours.
"Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station."
40. Here is your inspiration to never give up!
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